I want to have a life worth living, something that gives value to others. When I wake up each morning, I want to know I’m doing something to impact the world, making it a better place.

There is a song by Hillsong called Hosanna. There is a part that says:

“Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to Eternity”

And I wanted to be like that, so kept asking God to break my heart for what breaks His. I wanted a passion for something, some kind of cause, to right some type of social injustice.

The biggest thing that has been breaking my heart as of late is Human Trafficking, and specifically Sex Trafficking. I actually just did a case study project on this very topic for my global studies class. And my heart broke every time I read a statistic and every time I read  a story about someone being abused in this way, I wanted to do something about it.

I think this social injustice is dear to my heart because someone very close to me was raped as a teenager. And every time I hear about that happening to another young girl, another woman, and another child….It makes me angry and it makes me want to do something.

I don’t know how this passion will play out in my life. But I know it is something to look into. So  I think that is my goal for this summer: researching how I can be more involved in this cause. Finding out in what way I can help people who are victims

I know a few places I want to investigate

• World Vision
• International Justice Mission
• Amnesty International

There are also some websites you can look at if your interested in finding out more about this injustice and how you can help.

• Notforsalecampaign.org
• Humanwrong.org

til next time bloggers

~Lista~

Btw, if you wanted to hear Hosanna, here’s a link.

I was doing really well on my 6 week purity pattern, but on week 4 things went downhill.

Biggest mistake: Not being aware of when my cycle started.

It was the dumbest mistake in the book. In the history of our relationship, we have long ago realized that my weakest moments are the few days before I start my cycle and the few days after. But I just usually don’t keep track (like literally counting), I usually only have a general idea within a week or so. It’s not a very good system, but it has worked for me for this long, so I haven’t worried about it.

The reason this time is my weakest is because I am (as most women are) extremely emotionally and extremely hormonal, not a good match.

I was emotional about everything.

School, work, Spending time with him, my family, CBC, my friends… it felt like everything was just not ok. It was all completely irrational. And that should have been my sign that something was up. But I didn’t notice the signals.

On top of it, there was a significant spiritual battle. I think Paul explained how I was feeling best in the Book of Romans 7:8 (Message Version)

“Don’t you remember how it was? I do, perfectly well. The law code started out as an excellent piece of work. What happened, though, was that sin found a way to pervert the command into a temptation, making a piece of “forbidden fruit” out of it. The law code, instead of being used to guide me, was used to seduce me. Without all the paraphernalia of the law code, sin looked pretty dull and lifeless, and I went along without paying much attention to it. “

Essentially, I was feeling like I had all these rules to follow, and I felt like I was strong enough. One of the most irritating rules was that my boyfriend wasn’t allowed at my apartment with me alone. It was a reasonable rule, as far as keeping us from being tempted to act stupid. It was unreasonable because of our schedules, our lack of transportation, and the weather.

Ok, so neither of us have a car, so when we first started dating (during the spring) we were able to catch the bus and walk to wherever we wanted to go with no problem.  But now that it’s still winter weather, it’s not easy for us to walk everywhere. Especially since the walk from each others home is about 40 minutes.

Our schedules were an issue because most nights one of us worked until 9 or 10. Which meant the bus stopped running. So the time we usually spent time together, we couldn’t go anywhere. So that severely limited out time spent together in general. (Thus us only seeing each other for lunch for 2 hours for 2 days a week and seeing each other on the weekends).

Basically, the rules were very frustrating. I felt like a child, someone that no one trusted. I also didn’t like that I couldn’t spend as much time with him as I was used to. And that hurt, it felt like there was never enough time for the important things.

Anyway, on Monday or Tuesday of week 4 he came over and we were going to go get some food at a restaurant near my apartment. But as soon as I got off work, I was dead tired. I sat down on my bed and ended up being passed out for like 2 hours. He kept trying to wake me up but eventually ended up just ordering food for me. I woke up enough to eat and then crashed again. By the time I woke up again, it was 2 a.m. And we both realized what we had done: We had been at the house alone together, and he had spent the night. Which meant: we had to start the 6 weeks all over.

That was so frustrating for me. It felt like the rules were so dumb when they were supposed to help prevent us from doing anything sexually impure, and we didn’t, and we still would have to start over.

It became so tempting to just continue as we were, him coming over and staying over because we obviously were strong enough not to mess up because we didn’t that night. (On top of that, I was feeling rebellious after the prospect of us having to start the 6 weeks over, and just wanted to have my way.)

And then that weekend… we messed up, big time. So of course we really had to start over now.

Honestly, for the past two weeks I have just very mad at myself and feeling rebellious. I haven’t wanted to start over or try again. I’ve been feeling like giving up and not giving it another shot.

But I know without a doubt that that is not the existence God has for me, and that I am more than a conqueror. I, we, can do this.  I know that I have to definitely quit depending on myself and my own will power. Because I’m not strong enough.

Like Paul: “What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise.So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.” Rom 7:15-16

I want to be strong enough, I want to do what’s right, but I can’t get it together on my own.

So I messed up. It happened, and now I have to do something different in the future. This time, I have to actually focus on God’s power instead my own.

Pray for me.

~Lista~

I am starting week 2, and yesterday, i was really freaking out. It felt like : “oh i never get to see him” and ” i miss him soo much.” Yesterday, I almost had an emotional breakdown. (It didn’t help that I had been out till 3am at a Diversity Lock-in at school and went to work that morning before I got to see him.) When I did see him I was almost to tired to function and really needed to just crash. But I didn’t want to go home and go  to sleep because that meant I’d spend less time with him. (One of our new patterns is that he is never over my house with me alone, day or night). It just really felt like I had no time to spend with him, and I was about to waste my one day I have going to sleep, away from him.

But in reality….I’ve seen him most days this week, we’ve got to see each other alone (just not for more than an hour or two, and always in a public setting on campus), we’ve hung out in groups with some of our other friends.

So really, its hard but its not that hard. It’s only hard because I’ve been more focused on other peoples needs rather than my own. And that means I have been fighting against what my “flesh” desires, and focusing on things of the spirit, which is actually my goal anyway.

And what is good is the component that I’ve been more focused on other people than myself. I’ve spent time with more friends as a group, I’ve hung out with a friend I met in my bio class who is amazing that I can wait to hang out more with, and I’ve been more “missionally minded” (focused on sharing Christ with people).

Essentially, my social life has sky rocketed, my spiritual life has sky rocketed.

And I haven’t been making all the dumb mistakes that I usually do in my relationship with the bf. We have really been focused on pleasing God with our lives, and that has flowed down to us being more focused on our other friends. That has meant spending less time together, but when I sum up the past weeks, I’ve probably spent more time with my friends than I have in a long time. I’ve had more fun than I’ve had in a long time.

It’s been worth it.

What has been hard is finding things to do that don’t involve being at my house. We are both trying to be careful about our spending, so having really “date nights” are hard. So us spending time together equals:

• Not being at my house (which means we have to find somewhere to be)
• Doing something cheap (which really means something *free*)

These two guidelines are not bad so much, but really, its hard for us to think of things to do. As of late, we’ve done a couple double dates, and spent time together in group settings. But it feels like we haven’t been able to be alone and just talk together.

I guess I’m afraid of us growing apart because we are never able to just spend time together, but it really only been maybe 2 weeks since we’ve started this thing. I’m sure we will think of more fun things to do that cost next to nothing.

Some new ideas:

Check out the shops and restaurants downtown. I know we like going to The Strutt, so we could go there more just to chill and get a hot chocolate…Or we could go some of the night life places The Union and get some food and music.

There are more things for us to do, we just really gotta look into, and quit having a Woe is me attitude. This pattern of purity has really been a blessing so far in my life, and I know God will continue to make it an even bigger blessing if I just continue being obedient to him.

So I guess I will let you know further how this pattern of purity is going, thanks for reading!

Until next time bloggers

~K~

I’m trying to take a moment to process everything that has happened.  I have reached a point in my life where most people would be excited to be. Where my family is so proud of me to be.

On Saturday I graduated with my Bachelor’s of Business Administration Degree in Accounting.  I am the first person in my family to graduate with a Bachelor’s, so it was sort of a big deal.

All week people kept asking me, “How do you feel?,” “Aren’t you sooo excited?,” “Wow, you must feel like…“

*why does everyone feel the need to tell me how I am SUPPOSED to feel? Quit trying to tell me what my feelings should be!*

And all week I’ve felt like they have wanted me to give the obligatory answer, “Yes, I’m so excited.” But I’m not. In reality, I just didn’t want to say anything, because it was very possible that everything that would come out of my mouth would be a lie. A well meant lie, but  a lie all the same.

I’ve felt like I had to make EVERYONE ELSE happy on MY big day. I wanted my family to be there because it would be a big deal to them (the whole first person to graduate thing). I wanted to have an open house for my friends in Kzoo, and my friends & fam in Ypsi because it would be a big deal to them.  But after I sat down and thought about it, I honestly didn’t care. I honestly just wanted the registrar’s office to give me my freaking grades, and send my diploma in the mail. I didn’t want to walk across the stage, no one had to come. I would not have been hurt at all. It just wasn’t a big deal to me.

It was frustrating though, because first I didn’t care if people came. Then people said they were coming, I started to care,  and then they couldn’t come (which was understandable). And then people who I just KNEW would be there (because they are some of the closest people I know) didn’t show….and that hurt. And it made me sad/angry (depending on the person). And I just wanted to call the whole thing off.

Needless to say, I did walk across the stage. It was a good feeling. I graduated with two of my friends from last semester, Donnie and Stacy. (we had the best and most epic group project ever, that we ACED, having the best project in all the sections of the class *yeah, im bragging, so what*) I had family there: my mom, my siblings (Jameelah, Jeremiah, Chanttel, Orlando), my church mom Sis. Dorothy,  my friends (Derek, and my friend Micah <who I haven’t seen in over a year but who drove up on an awkward car ride with my mom, who he doesn’t know, just to support me. You, Mic-C, are an amazing friend>) , and my heart- Asha came. It was a good day.

But back to why graduating wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t a big deal to me because….well…. I just felt disappointed in myself. Which most people would think is ridiculous. “Dude, you graduated with a Bachelor’s in ACCOUNTING, seriously, how could you be disappointed in yourself?!?!”

How could I be disappointed in myself? I can list a few reasons. I’m disappointed in myself:

• because I didn’t do my best
• because I didn’t take risks
• because everyone thinks I’m someone I’m not
• because at the end of the day, I’m felt like I did what everyone else expected of me, and not what I expected of me.

I didn’t do my best: It might just be the perfectionist in me, of maybe it is because I know me. I know I could have gotten through college with a better GPA, I could have had a 3.5 every semester, and if I really tried- I could have been a 4.0 student. But I didn’t strive for those things. Instead, I slid by, just like I did in high school. Because it was easy for me to pass with a good grade in most classes without even trying. (Mind you, I am not talking about my accounting classes, those courses KICKED-MY-BUTT. Those are the class I should have tried harder in, which is why my GPA is not where I want it to be now).

I didn’t take risks: I felt like I needed to have someone there with me to take the risk with me. There were so many things I wanted to do. I wanted to join a business fraternity. I could have joined the Accounting Fraternity if had just kept my accounting GPA up. But I didn’t. I was too scared. To scared because I would have been 1 out of maybe 5 minority people in a 40+ group of  white people. And I didn’t feel like being a sore thumb again, just like in high school.  I didn’t take the risk to lead in my on campus ministry a long time ago. I did not take a risk and get involved in student government, or journalism. Things I was interested in. I was too scared to do it alone. And the majority of the time, I was too scared to take risks for God…. I still am.

Everyone thinks I am someone I’m not: but I guess that is okay, because I don’t know who I am anyway. I feel like I have put on a show of what everyone else thought I was. A leader, a Christian, a smart person….but most days I don’t feel like any of those things. I feel like I do really dumb things, and make really dumb mistakes. And I feel like a hypocrite a lot because of the one area of my life that I just can’t seem to get right. And because I feel unqualified to lead because I am such a mess and I have sooo many issues that I have refused to deal with.  I feel like telling people, “I am not who you think I am!!!” Because they can’t see what I see, or rather hear what I hear in my mind. They can’t take a look into my heart and see how messed up I am.

I didn’t reach my expectations: Overall, I just wanted to change when I came to college. And in some ways, I definitely did change. In a lot of ways, I don’t like the changes. In some ways I know I have grown. But I just feel like I keep bumping my head on the wall and getting no where fast. I am sad that I didn’t have that good GPA that would land me a good job. That I have no idea what I am going to do now that I don’t. (I mean, I have action plans- going to grad school to get my masters, getting certified as a public accountant). But that wasn’t the original game plan.

Really, I just feel like I hit a mid-life crisis…except it is a really early life crisis. And maybe I’m just crazy. Maybe I’ve done a good job and did what most people couldn’t have dreamed of doing. But I know that I didn’t do what I dreamed of doing, I didn’t find my passion, and at the end of the day, after all I’ve “accomplished“….I still feel really really lost.

And that’s a sucky feeling to have.

~Lista~

• Being saved by God’s grace through the death of his son, Jesus Christ
• A wondeful family
• Amazing friends
• 2 great church families
• My first nephew on the way
• Being done with undergrad in less than 3 weeks
• Not having to pay for my first 4 years of college
• Having a nice little studio apartment that suits me
• Having a job with decent pay
• Having enough money to pay for the things I need
• taking me from the most stressful year of my life (2008) to the most stress-free year of my life (2009)
• Allowing me to go to China

And surprisingly, I’m thankful for the things that I’m struggling with.

I’m thankful that in knowing that I’m struggling means that I know the difference between right and wrong, I know when I’m following the will of God and when I’m just trying to please myself.

I’m thankful that this morning, while praying with my friend Joia, for the first time in a long time I knew for sure that I heard God’s voice. Usually, I wait to hear him from the word that the pastor preach, or maybe something i read in the Bible, or something someone tells him. But I’ve been so sure that God never speaks directly to me, or I just can’t hear it.

But today, I heard it, and he said 3 things to me.

I’m also thankful that Joia is helping me study Ephesians and apply it specifically to my life. Sometimes I read the word, but can’t apply it to me. But ALL of God’s word is for me, and I’m really getting that.

This is my favorite part of what I read today,

“That’s why, when I heard of the solid trust you have in the Master Jesus and your outpouring of love to all the followers of Jesus, I couldn’t stop thanking God for you—every time I prayed, I’d think of you and give thanks. But I do more than thank. I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength!” -Eph 1: 15-19 (message vs)

I feel like I’m getting to know him better, and remember it’s a relationship, and relationships take time. I’ve known who God was for a long time, but I haven’t known him personally like i want to. I’ve treated him like an associate, someone who I interact with everyday, can tell you things I know about him from others and brief experiences with him. But not really confident in how he feels about me.

I’m glad that’s changing.

And I’m thankful

~Lista~

Let me tell you something, I am a control freak. Like the queen a control freaks. I have gotten better about it in the past 9 months or so, but I still have it pretty bad. Usually I stress out really badly over the things that aren’t in my control. That doesn’t end well, I just end up exhausted and frustrated.

So needless to say, based on my last post, that I’m on the struggle bus with not knowing my future right now (i.e.- not being in control). Thankfully, God has seriously blessed me in the past few months to be anxiety-free (or at least my normal anxiety free). I have been concerned, but it hasn’t consumed my life with worry like it used to. It’s just this feeling of not knowing, but it’s been okay. I just want to know.

But this morning, I kind of got an idea of why God hasn’t given me the answer yet. Because in order for me to go forward in the next stage of my life and actually be successful, there are some “things” that i need to let go of.  And I have been struggling big time with letting those things go.

Because letting go means:

• Uncertainty/ Not knowing what going to happen
  
• Being alone
• Depending on someone other than myself

And those are not my favorite scenarios.

I love God, but sometimes I really have some trust issues. Trusting that he has it in control, that everything is going to be okay.

I’m working on trusting him, and just giving him my whole life.

Mark 12:30 (The Message) so love the Lord God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and energy.

or Mark 12:30 (New International Version)Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength

1 Peter 5:6-11 (New International Version)
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

~K~

I still don’t know how I feel about it, mostly because I don’t know what the future really holds. It is all  up in the air. My perceived options are:

• Getting a job/internship in the spring
• Taking classes in the spring so I can sit for my certification exam
• Study for the GMAT so I can go to Grad School
• Consider doing an Internship for a year with the program I did in China this past summer

And nothing feels certain right now. I have gotten declines for every interview I’ve done this semester, which has not been encouraging.  I just did one more interview this week and I hope it went well.

I am registered for 3 classes in the spring if all else falls through, which really isn’t bad. But it isn’t exciting. People keep asking how it feels: am I excited to be graduating? What am I doing next? …Yeah, I don’t have those answers. I’m not particularly excited, because at this point, I’m gonna be doing the same thing I did this semester. Going to class, and working at the same job.

The good part is, I’ll still be able to be involved with the vision of CBC, which is a blessing. I want our on-campus ministry to grow. But other than that, i have no idea what my future could look like.

I kinda just wish God would tell me what my future holds…

I was really ready for school to start, because

1) I was not on the work schedule and could only pick a few hours

2) I just needed something to do everyday because I was extremely bored

But, I already had a feeling that I wasn’t going to absolutely love all my classes. I’m taking:

• Advanced Tax (with the prof I had before, so I think that class will be ok)
• Economics: Organization of Industries (which is math intensive so i’m like “NOOOO!” fyi: I’m an accounting major NOT a math major, so this does not excite me at all. Luckily my friends Derek and Matt are in that class, so it won’t get to boring
• Interpersonal Communications, i heard it was a fun class, but this GA is not making it very promising yet. So we shall see next week.
• Principles of Biology (which is like 95% freshman…so I feel extremely old and the teacher is old..its not a good combo) (Also, there is a lab for this class, but it is not really in line with the class, so technically it is it’s own seperate class with its own separate grade. So I’m bitter cuz I’m really taking  5 classes instead of 4.

But yeah, other than that, the classes are not really bad. But they are going to be a lot of work I think. But, that’s college.

I’m really excited about new student outreach for CBC and for working with International Students this semester. I hope that we make an impact on campus, so pray for the next 2 weeks that we’ll get people involved in sharing Christ around campus.

On a funny note: I’ve been appoarched by more dudes on campus this week than I normally would in like 6 months. It’s been ridiculous. And they are all awkward freshman. I think there are two factors involved with these unwanted encounters:

a)It’s the first week of school and I look like I’m a freshman (darn this young face)

b) I have a boyfriend now (for some reason, I usually only get hit on when I’m in a relationship. Maybe I     look nice/happier/ more approachable. I don’t know. But it’s really annoying.

*I wish i could say it was flatering, but they come at me in such a rude way, some are calling me shorty (when i’m taller than them, lol), using curse words when speaking to me, and yeah…i’m just not in the mood for that. It’s not cute, it’s not respectful, and I have siblings in your age range…so that’s creepy by itself.

My 2 most interesting encounters:

1. The young man with dreads who asked me the time, then proceeded to ask my name and tell me he’s free on friday if i want to go to the movies. I told him that I didn’t think that would be appropriate since I have a boyfriend…and he ran away. (Yes literally ,didn’t say bye, just turned and dipped. It was kind of comical, but I felt bad cause I could tell he was extremely shy, and it took a lot of courage for him to come talk to me)

2. The creepy guy (who i see at the bus stops all the time) who followed me all the way down the street, and tried to sell me weed.  I think he was mentally disabled also, so it kind of scared me. I had my pepper spray out just in case.

So yeah…hopefully, creepers will leave me alone next week so I can go to class in peace.

lataz

~K~

I don’t feel older.

But I do feel different.

I feel like I’ve learned much about myself.

Mostly that I everything that I thought was real and stable isn’t.

The things I thought would last would not.

Everything I thought was impossible is possible.

The people I thought would be there are not.

The people I didn’t expect to be there have held me up.

That I have no idea what my future holds.

And that I don’t really have to be afraid of it.

I’ve learned that although it was an interesting experience to have 3 roommates, I’m getting to old for this, and I’m ready to live by myself. Even though I thought I would be too lonely, over the past couple months I’ve felt like I’ve lived by myself anyway, so I guess it won’t be a too much of a change anyway.

I have learned that friendships do not stay the same. And that you shouldn’t expect them to. That with friendship you will get joys as well as disappointments. That you will grow apart. And that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If I’m a new person, why should it surprise me that they are different people too?

I’ve learned that love comes in so many forms. From my friend Tasha who has been a wonderful accountability partner for me, helping to learn how to trust the women in my life. To my brother Mayson, who has reminded me how much I love my siblings, and how I should spend more time with them. To my friend Asha, who has taught me how to be myself again, and smile everyday. I just feel so much love, and the fact that I know that I can trust people again gives me so much peace.

As I look at my list….all I really see is change. I’ve changed, the people around me have changed, and my circumstances have  changed. Out of everything, nothing has been constant, except for God. He has stayed the same, expected the same things, and cared for me in the same ways…..

and now I’m rambling cuz I’m obviously tired…. more lata WP, deuces

~K~